You will be a hero they said...

*READ AT YOUR OWN RISK*

I was looking around for safety in this dead land, desperately moving. I was trying to part the artillery crater that disabled both of my legs. Every time I grabbed the moist dirt to climb out of it, thoughts encircled my brain. Thoughts of my side winning the battle, thoughts of restoring freedom and justice to the oppressed people of this land, thoughts of my loved ones.

I finally reached the top of the crater after exhausting my strength. The thoughts the dominated my mind were the reason I am still alive. The place was a hell. I cannot believe that it was once a beautiful place. The sun’s illumination was blocked by thick and dark clouds that brought with them a thick layer of fog. It was cold, the drizzle made it worse. Every time an exposed part of my body came in contact with the drizzle, I felt a paralyzing pain, it felt like many knifes assaulting my already diminished body. The place had a stench that poisoned my brain. It made me stuck with those patriotic thoughts, thinking that I was a hero for killing people.

I scanned the place a little, I wanted to know if the deafening silence was a reality. I was wondering if there was any fighting going on, wondering weather will I find a safe place to take cover till my division arrives or not. Then I looked at my injury, and I wish that I have not. Both of my thighs attached to my body with thin pieces of flesh. I suddenly realized the pain, I panicked. My heart started pumping faster, I had to treat my injuries first so I can stop panicking. There was a rifle nearby that had a bayonet still attached to it. I knew that leaving my legs attached will make my search for cover harder. I crawled with all the strength I had, it felt like I was walking on a spiky trail, all of these unearthed small and dry roots poking at my deep injury; it was the true meaning of a thousand knifes stabbing your brain one at a time, slowly. Then, I reached the rifle. It felt like a small triumph.

The war taught all of my colleagues that a triumph does not last. That was the case with my struggle. Shortly after I grabbed the rifle, a shell landed close to where I was. It sent me flying ahead towards the middle of the battlefield. One of my ribs broke in the process and I lost hearing in my right ear. I had to work quickly, I had to go back to one of those craters to take cover. So I detached the bayonet, my hands were shaking. I was nervous, but it was this or death. I put the blade against the thin flesh, then I pulled as hard as I can! I screamed at the top of my lungs! The pain was of such magnitude that made me feel like blacking out. But it was not over yet. There was still flesh. I was crying from the pain, I had to do it again.

After I finished cutting my legs, I cut my thick olive green sleeves to band aid my injury. Then I used what was left of my strength to crawl to the same crater. I crawled over the dead and deformed bodies of the soldiers, ones missing limbs, and others with major trauma. The place must have smelled extremely bad with all of these decaying corpses. All I could see at that time was the crater, far, far away. I do not remember what happened when I was in the middle of the way to the crater. But when I fell in it, I felt a huge sense of relief. All I had to do was wait.

 The seconds felt like hours, taunting me every time they passed. I kept my self-contained by remembering my past. My family, friends, childhood. All the good things in life that happened to me. But then I remembered the people of this land, most of them didn’t experience the “good” life. Or did they?

At that instant of time my way of thinking completely changed. I don’t remember hearing about any oppression before this damned war. I thought that I was bringing peace and freedom to this land! Our motto was “peace, freedom, human rights” and we chanted it to the bone, we were ready to die for it! We thought Our life style was right and everyone must subject to it! We thought of everyone that disagreed with us was against us!

And many died for this fake cause. We were brainwashed into believing that our lifestyle was the only one that is acceptable, the only one that should be enforced! I don’t remember hearing about these people experiencing oppression before, not by anyone, even their leaders. We were the ones that put their leaders in place! We were the pawns of the man with the big bucks.

I was so angry at that time that I punched the dirt. I was screaming in anger, I cussed those corrupted leaders, I cussed those traitors of peace, and I cussed myself for being one of those involved in this mess. And this how the rescue squad found me.

I received many medals of honor, but for what? What will these medals do for my loss? I have become a symbol of patriotism, I am not proud of it. I wish people would understand that patriotism is like infatuation, its blind, it just does not work.

I think the world would have been a better place had humans not known how to fight each other.

A serious letter...

Swag kids often come in clans.

Dear Call of Nobody Swag-420-Qs kids,

You people are probably worse than campers. Why is it that you brag about your death to kill ratio or online rank? People do have a life outside of Call of Nobody, did you know that? You just join the match and rage every time you get killed by a camper or your kill streak gets interrupted. And us, your poor teammates, have to deal with your LOUD and SQUEAKY KIND WORDS that you spew out of your very clean mouth.

There has not been a single week where I have not come across one of you! It is really disgusting for you to pick on the fresh low rank noobs. Is it because they “suck”?  Or is it because you’re jealous of those who can enjoy the game while losing? I would like to know.

One humiliating fact about you people is that you brag about your skill in Call of Nobody. I remember a time where a friend of mine said to one of you that this game takes no skill, then he was slaughtered by your comments. It is funny that you think this game requires skill. As a result of that we, the normal people, call you "tryhards.” It is just staggering how you try to impress everyone in the game lobby with your “skill” in the game. But at the end of the day, nobody cares who you are or what you are capable of in the silly game. Heck, the game is called “Call of Nobody.”

Face it, it is just a silly game that has no positive impact on your future. Games are made for entertainment and that is it. Or maybe the photons in the UV range benefit you? I don’t know.

There is absolutely no need to be angry, you should seek help if you do.

Sincerely,

Human.

MAN LOSES HOUSE IN A CALL OF NOOBY QUICK SCOPE 1V1 MATCH!

PLANET EARTH- Human Man, a 40 year-old home owner, lost his house on Friday after losing in a Quick scoping match in Inactivision’s game CALL OF NOOBY. “I didn’t see that coming,” says Human. “I thought this is supposed to be a game and all, never knew that online bets work this way.” He mentions that as soon as he lost the match, his “house, wife, car” and everything other than the “video game console and the TV” were transferred to his opponent.

He states that he had a stressful week because of his job. “I just came back from work and said ‘all right, I guess I’m going to put my energy into this’ then turned on my console and sat on the couch with my beer.” He mentions that he was doing badly in the game which is not a good sign.

Provocative behavior in popular online video games is viral. Human says that he received many hate messages that day and tried his “best to ignore” them. “I received messages like ‘you suck! go watch my little pony’ kind of thing, I don’t know why these people say things like this.” Many bullies harassed him but one of them named “xxSwAgYOLO-420-QSxx”, 13 year old Teenager Human, stood out. “He wouldn’t stop messaging me, it was as if his only task in life was to annoy me.”

The lobby that Human Man was playing in before the incident. Teenager Human and his friends are exhibiting immature behavior (some offensive symbols are censored).

It all started when Human Man had “a negative score” in “Destroy and Search matches” when he was in the same lobby as xxSwAgYOLO-420-QSxx clan. “In the next match after losing many times I managed to kill the whole clan with the Final Stand Death streak and won.” Human Teenager, who is an obvious “try hard quickscoper” was furious because of the outcome of the match. “I was happy for once because I killed the whole team! They were a clan so that means that they were good, yes?” says Human Man while laughing.

The 40 year old states that when he went back to the game lobby the clan insulted him through their microphones using the squeaky voice ability. “I was so immersed into the game at that moment that I forgot that the TV speakers were loud, damn the house sounded like a big cage of parakeets”. Then he left the lobby afterwards, but the insults from Teenager Human didn’t stop there. He kept on sending him messages containing the infamous phrase “I … your mom last night”, the repeated abuse “infuriated” Human and made him jump on the try hard bandwagon. “I couldn’t hold myself, I had to end it there. So I challenged him to ‘1v1 me’ and bet my house that he couldn’t win.” 

The lobby that Human Man setup in his "1v1" match against Teenager Human.

The bullying could have stopped if Human blocked Teenager, but he states that the blocking feature was not implemented in a useful manner. Human lost the challenge and consequently his home. “I was stupid, I should have not done this. I thought that you couldn’t lose anything in this situation since I wasn’t serious about the bet”. Human is still receiving taunting messages from Teenager containing a modified version of the infamous phrase. 

Inactivsion’s CEO, Corrupt C. Human, commented on the incident stating that “one should not bet anything online, the consequences can be fatal.” The reality can be painful but Human Man is still optimistic “It’s painful, I know. I’m completely devastated, I lost everything that I worked for. But let’s look on the bright side of things, it’s a new start!” Currently, the planet officials are considering law revisions.  

SwEg yOlO nOOsE.